Life Is Suffering.

My life has been changing drastically this year, 2011 is throwing me curve balls I had not anticipated and I'd like to say my reactions have been poised and methodical but i'd be lying if I said that. I've reacted like a small child, running home whenever I can, calling my father 5 times a day just to cry and ask for advice I know I won't listen to, throwing hissy fits when things don't go my way. This is definitely not a shining moment for me, nor did I anticipate a week after turning 20 that I would become more childish, isn't is supposed to be the other way around? When I wrote my new years resolutions for 2011, one of those was being happy and doing things for myself; something I seem to had forgotten in 2010. Well its now February and I have successfully completed none of them. As I laid in bed last night and realized this, my first thought was "where should I start?" and as I tried to prioritize my resolutions from most important to least important, I couldn't do it. They are all so important to me, and things I need in my life right now. As I previously mentioned, life has been kicking me in the stomach lately(for lack of a better term), my grandfather has become very ill with this terrible thing..i'll call it cancer. For his 64th birthday all my family whom I haven't seen in 5+ years arrived in San Antonio, Tx (his residence) to surprise him since this will very possibly be his last. Though the occasion was one of sadness, it helped me in so many ways. Seeing my family together for the first time in 10 years made me so happy, a happiness that no man, movie, or friend could offer me. It saddens me that it took this to bring us all together but the look on my grandpa's face made it all worth while. His tears were mine as I could see how much this really meant to him. Leaving was the hardest thing I have yet to do, knowing that it could be the last time I would get to kiss him and tell him how much he means to me. Though you'd think the 8 hours of flying alone might be one filled with tears, it was, but with tears of happiness. I had been awoken, shaken, and pushed out of the realm of sadness or disbelief in myself. I realized that my life had become so materialistic, that my priorities were skewed and I had inadvertently placed myself on a new path, one I hadn't wished for. While I was out living the "college experience", I was missing out on chances to tell my family how much they mean to me, I neglected to follow my heart and attend church every Sunday like I had started the year wishing, and most importantly, I was doing absolutely nothing for myself. I woke up this morning with the desire to change every aspect of my life. I decided that I am over the constant partying and staying out late intaking liquids that only hinder my health the next day. I want to change everything because I am discontent with my life right now, which happens to be something I battle on a daily basis but I've never been so disconnected with my dreams and my attitude about my life. Church will be my first priority on Sunday mornings, for this has been a dream of mine for years now. Getting involved in something on campus is an important thing to me, my life used to be all about helping others but I lost that in my first year here. Probably the biggest change I can't wait to make, is finding an internship out of state for the summer. I have this strong urge that I cannot deny any longer to get out and experience something else while networking in the business field. All of these things are so important to me, things I need for myself right now and even though life has thrown me continuous trash without giving me a second to try and sort it all out, I am grateful for the pain because without pain the weak become weaker. I am learning in my philosophy class that life is suffering, suffering is caused my desire and the only way to overcome suffering is to cease desirability. Well, I will never be content, I will continuously desire more and more because I have dreams and if that means I in turn will suffer, bring it on. Life is suffering and trying to arrange, control and manipulate conditions so as to always get what we want, always hear what we want to hear, always see what we want to see, so that we never have to experience unhappiness or despair, is a hopeless task. Life is ever-changing, it is impermeable and will continue to throw us curve balls but it is all about how we take the good with the bad and if we can take something so painful and detrimental and turn it into something positive. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Make your choice wisely.